What excites me about the idea of a blog is because it gives me the opportunity to write my own stories straight from my heart, my own travel experiences and future travel prospects. Enjoy reading!
But wait, I've never truly believed in myself, I often felt my blog would be a total mess. A few weeks ago I started this travel blog and ended up pouring my heart content to it. I felt like I was under a spell, I just type my most frustrating experiences.
I am still trying to get over my past considering the amount of energy I put into suppressing the pain I have carried deep inside my heart for years. My blog isn't exactly your conventional Travelblog, not sure of how long I've been blogging considering the number of blogs I have registered and abandoned, even forgotten some, but I am certainly not an expert:
Don't get it?
I don't have to be a pro to blog, plus I do not need to own a personal domain to blog either, I could use any good platform, either way, I am safe,right? but I don't feel safe.
You see, I never had the courage to do this, I am truly grateful for whatever gave me the strength to pour out my heart. First of all, not everyone will see things my way, it’s ok as long as I am doing the right thing and following my passion.
Ok, Let's Do This, What is an Empath?
Empaths are deeply sensitive individuals who are highly attuned to the emotions pain of others. They can easily take on the emotions of others as their own. This can be a challenge when they have porous boundaries and end up absorbing the pain and stress of others. Empaths are sharply intuitive and are adept at reading people and situations beyond just surface-level impressions. Due to their giving nature as well as their keen insight into the human psyche, they tend to be natural healers.
You may have heard the term “empath” before. But what does it actually mean? Is there any scientific basis for the term “empath”? Or is it, as some skeptics assert, a glorified term used to describe highly sensitive and intuitive people?
Even the most hardcore skeptic cannot deny that there are people in this world that are much more highly intuitive to the needs and emotions of others; that can pick up on subtleties that others can’t, and seem to have a natural talent for healing others.
Why Travelblog ?
I have done my own extensive traveling too, thus; my most profound regrets was not taking enough picture, as pictures speaks a thousand words. This blog will give me the opportunity to share my journey and experience with you no matter where I go.
Not a Travel Blog ?
It is to me, because I am beginning my own journey starting from a travel tour through my mind for the first time ever!!
My blog is pretty much crazy and packs full of exciting and embarrassing tales, don’t get me wrong, I have read a couple of blogs that wrote only what I could probably read from any travel magazine, the whole meaning of a blog is lost when one omits his own experiences for the readers reading pleasure. In my honest opinion, blogging is to write about your experience or even what you have possibly heard from a close friend or the news you would like to give your opinion about.
My wishlists-
-To publish my book
-To travel the world with my best-friend & perhaps volunteer a little
-To fundraise for my Charity
-To fall in love
-Get married, have babies & live happy ever after
Do I read other blogs?
Of course, I also like reading blogs, exclusive blogs, hilarious blogs are my favorite blogs with comments and reviews that are out of this world as long as it’s their own candid opinion or as a result of their own experiences. We all can't see things from the same perspectives, two people can look at the same thing and see totally different things. I forgot to mention, I am a single mum with an adorable daughter, she is my best friend, joy. You may probably get to read some of my blogs about " life as a single mum". Don't worry it's not the usual story you read every day, my story happened to be a mixture of everything and it would wow you. The real reason I have decided to share my past experiences is simple, maybe someone going through same or tougher times, might either be motivated, inspired or learn to avoid or stop making same mistakes.
Listen without Judging?
It is very important that you understand the pressure and energy a victim of abuse has to put up, in little things as "speaking up". I was petrified of what he would do to my little girl if I take matters to the authorities. I have lost track of several occasion I wanted to comment or write to a particular blogger who blogged about similar topic, but when I make up my mind to comment, I would, first of all, read other comments in most cases I end up reading more offensive comments from insensitive people than encouraging comments and before long I'll change my mind and simply shut down. I couldn't take any more offensive verbal or written abuses at that point in my life. I am positive, lots of people have experienced the same. Most people are too afraid to speak up, most of the times people only just listen to judge you, only a few would actually listen to understand and offer their support. Not to say a few critics are not welcomed, I welcome critics because they make you better.
6 Reason Why Women Find it Difficult to Speak Up
1-Women, particularly from minority ethnic groups, are under cultural, religion and family pressure to stay with their husband.
2-Women were afraid to tell any professionals about what was happening at home in case they lost their children or their own lives, this is basically the major obstacle for women in seeking help or leaving their partner. In most cases, family members, friends and co-workers, business colleagues generally know little about domestic violence and abuse and find it difficult to offer help, "Mind their own business".
3-Women had little knowledge of domestic violence and abuse and thought that their partner’s behavior was all their fault, so they felt they should try harder to make it work.
4-Majority of women believe it was up to them to change their own behavior in order to stop their partner’s abuse, so this became their initial strategy to make peace or try to win back their man, before deciding to leave.
5-Women are always brainwashed and emotionally dependent on abusive partners which makes it harder for them to leave.
"Stockholm syndrome"
That what happens is ‘no matter how horrible your abuser is, you’re in love with them’. Abusive partners often covered up controlling behavior to make it look caring, as was my case. Abusive partners make threats to kill or harm them or the children if they left.
What happened to me?
I was abused in the most horrible way when I was a child and later as an adult met an abuser who almost killed me.
What you Must know
Psychological abusers don't go for the weak they tend to choose strong people and the reason is they 'like the "challenge"
The Story of The Invincible Child-
A few days ago I started a blog- (you are reading it). I don't know how I managed to start this blog, somehow I ended up pouring my heart content to it. I wish to drown my frustrating, embarrassing memories and experiences. I am still trying to get over my past considering the amount of energy I put into suppressing the pain I have carried deep inside my heart for many years.
I would be thankful if someone going through the same pain would by any chance read my story and speak up. There is a saying that "being silence could kill you" this is very true, by failing to speak up about being assaulted, or physically abused will not make your abuser stop rather it will increase the chances of you being constantly abused and might eventually lead to death as a result. Two things could happen either you get killed by your abuser or you commit suicide both are always the case. I've kept my silence for years and that has hurt me the most because I was so certain that everyone I would meet would blame me or turn out to be the same.
Before my abusive relationship, I met and married my husband a good man who died just 17 months later after we had our first child, that devastated me. Ever since I've always felt lost and lonely without him in my life. I will forever miss him. A few years later I met my abuser, and when he started dealing with me, I started feeling like I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t really have the confidence to meet new people because I don’t feel like I’m myself anymore. You know, I feel like I adapted my life to believing all the names my abuser had called me were true, my husband never hit me, nor call me names, may his sweet soul rest in peace Amen.
The effect of the abusive relationship
So now I’m not really looking for love, but I can’t help but want it.
Of course, everyone deserves to love and be loved. I don’t really trust anybody, I can’t imagine being with another man and being vulnerable again. The thought of having another man in my life scares me. The thought of, you know, sex with another person, will it be consensual, will I really want it? And questioning what is consensual sex now, because I just don’t know anymore. " Shudders". I am just trying to pick up the pieces. And, you know, like I said, I am really lonely, but I don’t know how I’d go about meeting people as friends or in a relationship. No wonder traveling the world makes more sense to me now. " I wish, I could just pack my bags, grab my girl and go"!
Apart from wanting to travel because it helps me escape any sort of mental depression, I get to meet good people although I never really bothered to keep in touch because still, I am always afraid of commitment leading to me being hurt in the end.
Do childhood experiences affect adulthood?
Of course, it does, when that child becomes an adult he will still have his fears and insecurities but he will display them in a different way. So our childhood experiences affect our behavior and personality in adulthood even if we were not aware of the existence of this connection. As for me, I know it affected me deeply. Because I tried to be strong even though I attracted the wrong type of person eventually.
Psychological abusers don't go for the weak they tend to choose strong people and this is because of the fact that they 'like the challenge'. Victims of psychological abuse are often strong, confident, and successful. However, in many cases it is possible that the victim has at one time a victims of child abuse!
Most adults who were abused as a child often end up as talented and strong adults. A common misconception is that abusers prey on the vulnerable. Abusers are attracted to someone they think will be a challenge to break. Let's not forget once abused we tend to grow a thick protective shell, I call it the the protective "Back off"!! shell"-(Will love to use this as my book cover, if anyone will care to publish my book).
In my humble opinion, this is what attracts the abusers. They would like to see how hard and long it will take to crack open that shell of yours, most people would say
"I wonder, how do abusers really pick their pray".
Good question,
They go for someone who has fought and won many battles, someone successful and someone with a golden heart (meaning someone with empathy, a compassionate person).
How?
A person with a painful past is usually careful and almost calculative and firm. An abuser can see right through you. People with certain personality traits can change with the help of a good therapy, there isn't much success with narcissists and psychopaths, and this can be recognized by looking at the damage they have left behind in their careers, love lives or families. When you think of someone in an abusive relationship, you probably imagine someone weak. This may well be the end result, but in reality, it probably didn't start that way. They go for someone who fought and won many battles and every strong individual is a prime target for these abusers. Victims of psychological abuse are most often the kind of people you wouldn't think would be vulnerable to such a thing.
Ok, why use the word " fought a battle"?
"My dear, everyday life as it is, is a constant battle we are given one life and the decision is ours to make, whether to wait for circumstances to break us, or whether to act by fighting for a chance to live and, live our dreams to the fullest"-My Quote.
So now you know what I mean
"Psychological abusers are attracted to what is going on within the person's life that is shiny, glamorous, or exciting, or successful. That's what is attracting, kind of like moths to a light, these kinds of psychological perpetrators because they want to initially get something positive from that person."
Once the perpetrator is attached to that relationship, whether it's in a work environment or a romantic relationship, to begin with, they will then start tearing down the qualities and success that drew them there in the first place.
Also, perpetuators prime targets are those who are successful and strong, and very empathetic people. Whenever he would request me to do something that would most probably get me checked into an asylum, I find myself incapable of saying no. I find it very hard to say no, he latched on this unique weakness of mine and went into action.
He even uses my passion for humanitarian services as a bait or would often use it to insult me with phrases like:
1-" for an NGO person-(he meant humanitarian), I can't believe you would do this to me"
2-"For a girl who shows compassion to the poor, why are you doing this to me, I am very disappointed in you"
3-" I don't expect anything less from you"- That was his big mistake because that was the word that Jousted me to reality, it was so bad that I threw up, just thinking of how long I had to put up with a chronic-malfunctioned-dysfunctional-jerk!
Oh, how grateful I am today that I am no longer in that horror.
Life is full of beauty, I started noticing little things around me such as the bumble bee, the smile of the small child with me (my daughter), and the smiling faces in the refugee camps. I can smell of rain and danced in the rain, feel the wind and watch the sun go down.
Don't Take Little Things for Granted
Psychological abuse starts with something small, such as your partner snapping at you for something that you wouldn't expect them to do. This goes against everything they started off as when they were in the love bombing stage, so often it is brushed off as an out-of-character moment- little things eh?
The question is how long was the experience?
Telltale sign begins when he/she refused to come to any terms with you. Especially when you are trying to have a normal heart to heart conversation and he/she begins to argue back and forth eventually you get in too far that you forgot the borne of contention in the first place. So before you go thinking you could talk some sense into him/her you will end up in an asylum with a badly screwed up mind. Psychological abusers will always resist you because there's 'nothing wrong with them. If you're waiting for a narcissistic or psychopathic psychological abuser to change, you'll be waiting a long time. These personality types are not programmed to think there is an issue, because they tend to look at each relationship differently, rather than notice the destruction they leave behind in their wake.
They focus on the perceived problems with everyone they interact with, which to them justifies why things go down-south. That way the dots never get connected to them. All we need to do is protect ourselves by connecting the dots, and see the patterns of discarded relationships abusive people have left behind. Whenever I tried asking her why he often break up with his past relationship every 2-3 yrs after, he often brushes it aside as it was their fault to leave. In my case, I also lasted for about 3 yrs isn't that a pattern people.
I tried battling with him but it got me way wounded and almost took the good in me. so under no circumstances should you attempt to fight to "fix" them, all you need to do is learn to spot them before they get too close. What you can do is recognize them if you have any of these predispositions to being attracted to them, learn to recognize red flags, have your boundaries up, and run fast and far away as much as possible.
Believe Me, it was Hell!!
I was constantly criticised and put down, he started by attempting to control my behavior and belittles me when we are alone, would not hesitate to put me down in front of others. Whenever I tried to speak with him at least to come to terms with him, it usually ends in a fight. At one point when I couldn’t bear the frustrating attitude of his, I lashed out at him but instead, he made it seem like I was crazy and losing my mind and made me feel like no one would ever take me seriously. He blames me for his business losses, for his family issues and unhappiness on a daily basis, and would constantly hold me responsible for how he feels. It was indeed a battle!
He takes little to no responsibility for his own choices of words to me and behavior. And uses a double-standard when it comes to his own behavior, not holding himself accountable when he does the same exact things for which I am was almost crucified for and oh, I forgot to mention he milked me dry too and left me without a dime.
He calls me stupid, inept, dumb, and other horrible names on a frequent basis. When I speak to my relatives or friends, he tries to all could play the victim act in an attempt to manipulate them into disbelieving me. He would frequently treat me with disdain.
Eventually, I started getting threats of him leaving me and he would go as far as to stop speaking to me for weeks until we no longer talk frequently. He gives/ shows affection only when he sees my friends around me or when he desperately needs something from me. His special weapon was being cold and silent when he is mad at me for no justified reason. I also noticed he seeks out people that are willing to support me emotionally or financially and criticize me to them in other to isolate me and stop them from supporting me, he would do anything to stop me from gaining back my sense of self-worth. We live like two total strangers yet whenever we go out together and he sees men making passes at me, he would immediately blame me and make funny faces at me, like a laugh and roll his eyes, sometimes he would even go as far as saying no one will put up with me except him, such words often have me feeling inadequate and worthless.
My Childhood
Questions cover family dysfunction; physical, sexual and emotional abuse and neglect by parents or caregivers; peer violence; witnessing community violence, and exposure to collective violence. Early childhood trauma generally refers to the traumatic experiences that occur in children aged 0-6. In my case, I was 6 years old when I first experienced abuse. It was the most painful heartbreaking experience for me, one I would never forget. To make matters worse I couldn't tell my parents and on top of that I was dyslexic and always sick. I have decided to use this opportunity to share my past experiences maybe someone who is going through same or tougher times, might either be motivated, inspired or learn to speak up. Most people are too afraid to speak up, most of the times people only just listen to judge you, only a few would actually listen to understand and offer their support. I recalled a deep loss that left me scarred for life. During my growing/teenage years, I practiced so many things as a teenager, I had lots of books, a collection of Gothic, Witchcraft, Crystal ball books, a book of the dead etc.
I was a troubled kid and would fight for anything just to get attention. But deep down inside I was hurting because no one knew I was being abused as a child.
I just wanted to die!. In seeking for some sort of comfort, I joined a group (a bunch of stubborn kids). Big mistake, these group of kids seems to like bothering other kids, and that did not help me either because again I was stifled, this wasn't the comfort I was desperately seeking for. Eventually, I left the group because I was rather miserable. I just couldn't bear the sight of them being mean to other helpless kids. Although, I would hit and fight anyone who crosses my path due to anger and frustration and that saddened my parents a great deal. It wasn't my fault the groups I left tried several times to get me to come back but I vehemently refused, this infuriated them and somehow I became a prime target, and so, bully ensues.
My past experience is not the end of my life
I met a couple of good and bad people, some are like angels and stayed true. The rest of the packs are plain selfish jerks, some even possess the mindset of a demon. I spent many years of my life neck-deep in an ungodly relationship and not just that, I was surrounded by a bunch of horrible people I regret to call my friends. Most of them are one way or the other connected to my abuser. I experienced unbearable humiliation and problems that almost took my life and almost landed me in jail!- That will be another story.
Eventually, I picked up courage and told my self to fight even if I have to fight forever, and so, I fought long and hard until I came free from the grip of death-( Battered with physical, emotional abuse and depression).
Before you go- hey, here comes another preacher!! hear me out
Desperate to be free, and broke, constantly going to bed without food.
I was going through youtube video when I stumbled on Sid Roth, as I listened to his preaching I decided to try my last resort, prayer!!
Yes prayers, I started to pray and there are days I prayed hard asking Jesus to send my way a good friend because I was hurting, I could literally feel my heart constricting with pain and anguish, desperately I sought after churches and pastors but none of them could be of any help to me. Meanwhile, all I ever wanted was a little support so I could leave the relationship and start life anew someplace else since decent and legit means of survival wasn't forthcoming and I wouldn't want it any other way!.
One pastor even preached that to be poor is not acceptable, I agreed with him there, but what he said afterward was disturbing to me. He said Christians who are born again should pray often, therefore, born-again Christians are supposed to be rich.
Jesus’ Poverty
The Bible says in John 8:32 "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. In reading the Gospels, we can focus on Jesus’ poverty. There is a sense in which Christ’s incarnation itself was an impoverishing act. Indeed, in order to take on human flesh and dwell among sinful people and the filth of this world, Jesus had to set aside the wealth of heaven. This was Paul’s teaching in Philippians 2:7, where he wrote that Jesus “emptied himself [of his privileges], by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.” This same teaching is the essence of this verse, and does it mean born again Christians are not praying hard enough?
So why on earth would someone preach such bullshit!
For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake, he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich. (2 Corinthians 8:9) As a powerful spirit creature in heaven, the Bible says that he “became poor” for our sakes. So not being rich and constantly abused doesn't mean I am not praying enough.
Fact
He was raised by a poor carpenter. Salvation is not how holy art thou but the content of your heart and your faithfulness in serving the Lord. After all, he died for sinners like me and you.
Prayer was my last resolve
Truth is, I spent the very good part of my life listening to people who didn't think I was going to be successful or let alone live this long. But I realize that it doesn’t matter how you choose to live your life — whether you build a six-figure income business, work a corporate job, end up with nothing; have children or choose not to have children; travel the world or live in the same town all your life; go to the gym 7 times a week or sit on the couch and watch TV every everyday — whatever you do, someone will judge you for it either way. For one reason or another, someone will find a reason to project their insecurities, their negativity, and their fears onto you and your life. Even if you slave and toil just so you lend a helping hand to them, they will still crucify you. So bearing that in mind I decided to go online and research more about Jesus, Chritiany and prayers and somehow I stumbled on " SID ROTH " Youtube Chanel and decided to give it a try.
Take it or not My Battle was Fought on my Knees
And so, I made my decision I was either going to fight or die trying!. I prayed hard and long. I figured the first thing to do was to walk away from what was causing me pain for years, and secondly was to redefine my own existence. It wasn't an easy battle, first of all, the person in question was a Narcissist. So fighting a narc was even harder because that is what they want, they like drama (challenge), and would use that as an opportunity to unleash their fangs and finally sink in a painful venom-(inhumane treatment). You realize you’re in a war when it feels as if you walking in a radioactive field whenever your partner is around you. If you are reading this and you so happen to be a victim, Ok, so maybe no actual missiles or tanks are involved, but you are definitely in a bloody battle for your sanity. I hate to dig up the painful reality of it all, but your toxic, self-absorbed partner is using the three best-kept secrets used by narcissists world-wide against you! Secrets that, when used proficiently, can bring other human beings to their knees regardless of status, intellect, education, or material wealth.
1-Dirty secrets that can and often do result in their unsuspecting partners becoming so broken and dysfunctional that they lose everything such as careers, children, homes, licenses such as those required to perform as lawmakers, medical doctors, business owners, and therapists, , and worst of all, their sense of self-worth.
2- They will make you believe you are winning then bang! they will hit you or possibly disfiguring and forcing you to detach yourself from your friends and family until you are completely isolated!
3- Narcissists will not appreciate anything you do no matter what you do for them.
5-I know you work hard to please your partner. I sure did, back in the days when I was “green” narcissistic supply. I could go into the hellish details of all I did for him and his family, but I’ll spare you that for now, although I look forward to sharing them with you in the future.
6-Narcissists want you to believe that even your best efforts are not good enough. The reason they do this is so they can keep you scurrying about for their approval, but never quite receive it. Before long, you’re doing the work of five to ten people, yet not being acknowledged for it. In fact, you will empty all your savings and they would still complain.
How I won?
I won, using the power of forgiveness and prayers. I had to forgive myself first, that's the most important thing to do. Oh yes; you don't expect me to fight a battle with the devil without inviting God to help with the gift of wisdom, do you?
Only a believer will understand-For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds (2 Corinthians 10:4 KJV).
Before go, here we go again!
I recalled a deep loss that left me scared for life. During my growing/teenage years, I practiced so many things as a teenager, I had lots of books, a collection of Gothic, Witchcraft, Crystal ball books, a book of the dead etc. In my growing/teenage years, I was a troubled kid and would fight for anything just to get attention. But deep down inside I was hurting because no one knew I was being abused as a child.
I just wanted to die!. In seeking for some sort of comfort, I joined a group (a bunch of stubborn kids). Big mistake, these group of kids seems to like bothering other kids, and that did not help me either because again I was stifled, this wasn't the comfort I was desperately seeking for. Eventually, I left the group because I was rather miserable. I just couldn't bear the sight of them being mean to other helpless kids. Although, I would hit and fight anyone who crosses my path and I am always in a fight and that saddened my parents a great deal. It wasn't my fault the groups I left tried several times to get me to come back but I vehemently refused this infuriated them and somehow I became a prime target, and so bully ensues.
My health problems weren't helping either, I was made fun of and called names, the sad part was that I was always sick, this made matters worse. My parent didn't even know I was Dyslexic all they could see was a stubborn, uncooperative and a sick child, I was always allergic although they loved me very much but just didn't know what the heck was wrong with me. The constant battle within me troubled me a great deal as a result; I sought after guidance from the few grown-ups I could find, mostly strangers, at one time a complete stranger recommended I read the supernatural book to gain powers of invincibility.
Looking back today I am pretty sure I had a conversation with a raving madman!!
Anyway, I couldn't find any book that would make me invincible and would pester my parents to go get me powers so no one will laugh at me again. All effort fell unto deaf ear or so I thought. Meanwhile, there was this angel who would always take away the few witchcraft books I bought with the money I got from my dad's -few bucks, about $5-7 at most. I bought few fairly used old witchcraft books from a friend living not far from where we lived.
Well, again this angel would take away these books and replaced them with pamphlets about Jesus. He would tell me good stories about Jesus. He told me to feel free to use his little collection of book library as long as I promised to read those pamphlets. He was the only one who never really criticized my inabilities, However, deep down inside me I disliked him because he is always preaching Jesus to me and would stop at nothing to get rid of my book collections. I didn't know much about this Jesus and what I heard of him wasn't working for me so I wasn't exactly keen on knowing him besides I got my own problems I kept telling myself. However, regardless, of how badly I treated this angel, he was always there for me. He would try to cheer me up whenever I am sad and would immediately try to fix my mood. Sometimes I used to watch him kneel to pray and would laugh and make silly noises at him just to annoy him, but he would simply ignore me.
Little did I know that I was getting it all wrong, I was just a little girl of about 6-7 yrs old thereabouts. Meanwhile, all he ever wanted was to help me. I remember him asking me what the problem was, he told me " talk to me, let me help you". Although I never told anyone, I was being abused and the jerk threatened to kill me if I said anything to anyone, no one ever got to find out, until much recent. If my beloved angel had found out he would most certainly damn the consequences and murder whosoever was responsible for causing me such pain in cold blood. This angel would always shine a light through my darkest tunnels. He knew I was hurting but he just couldn't put a finger to it.
He was Fighting his Own Battles
You see; we were not poor nor extremely rich but we didn't lack anything. Still, my angel would toil and work 3 jobs just to buy everyone a Christmas present. He would always help me with my homework. He has never complained and would forbid anyone not to tell me what he is going through, as far as he was concerned, I was his little princess.
No matter what I did to him, he just won't stop loving me, also he won't give up preaching about the gospel of Christ to me, and would tell me that heaven and hell are real. Any time I have such conversation with him, it leaves me angry and confused, I end up asking a silent question in my heart, "what was heaven like, anyways, and how does one get there, he said one has to die before either going to heaven or hell after judgement, who is this Jesus, and how does one get judged will he judge the man hurting me" my little mind would go on and on. Little did I know that this angel has a few moments to spend with us on earth.
I recalled when he was having a chat with my parent all looking so solemn and disturbed, I heard him say "the pain in my ankle is becoming unbearable". upon hearing so, I said to myself, is that why everyone is looking so solemn? I've had a painful ankle for weeks from my last fight, I never even complained" I snapped under my breath and stomped off!. Little did I know that he had cancer he has been battling for years which was slowly killing him. I also remembered what he said to my mum and dad when they would cry and beg him to let them help him, but he would tell them to stop trying so much. "Let me go, I am going to heaven, my home is up there".
I would laugh and say "oh boy! he is insane, he sure does hate it here like I do"
He Passed Away
One faithful early hours of the morning he passed away peacefully in his sleep. When I woke up to the commotion, I saw everyone crying including my dad, and no one paid any attention to me, I tried to ask what was happening but no one would speak to me, the wailing and the words coming out of my mum jolted me. I asked a strange lady sitting right next to me if my brother was ok. but she looked hard at me and started crying, it was fruitless. eventually, I get it, my angel was no more, he had gone to heaven as promised. Sadly my only protector is gone, suddenly my heart felt empty and a deep sense of sadness enveloped me, just then I knew I was never going to be the same again. These words kept on playing in my mind "Who would ever love me like he did".It was at that moment I realized how much I loved him.
They let us pay our last respect before he was buried, all I wanted was to tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I am for treating him the way I did and how I wanted him to come back, I wanted to tell him everything and even tell him who was hurting me but it was too late!!
Poem
The memories of when I used to annoy him or throw tantrums at him hunt me till this day. How I took everything he did for granted, not once did I appreciate him, also I never recalled saying thank you for all his love, and gifts. He was a strong guy he never bothered my parents financially, he took many jobs for ridiculous pay just to help himself out, even though my parents complained about it. I recalled his friends would come to our home for condolence visits, they would sit with my parents and just weep, "he was a good guy, he never deserved this" they said. I should have been better I kept telling myself! This feeling of guilt made me unhappy for a long time but no one knew this pain I carried until adulthood.
This was not easy for me to share this story here, in fact, it is the first time I have ever opened up about this. While I type this I had spent several days weeping, I wasn't prepared for the pain that seared through me. I thought time does heal all pain, I guess I was wrong, perhaps I never truly mourned his death. I almost regret doing this because it hurts and it sucks!!
Forgive
Although it took me time to share this story, I have already forgiven myself. If you are reading this, and you lost someone so dear to you, I am sorry for your loss. Find it in you to forgive yourself and forgive those who hurt you, ask forgiveness for those you hurt too if you could. You probably heard this before, it is true it does help you to heal eventually. Forgiving myself, asking for forgiveness and prayers healed me in addition to forgiving my offenders, time and prayers are what did most of the healing for me.
First of all, I am thankful and grateful to God for letting me see another day and I appreciate the effort you put into reading my story it means so much to me.
If you are a victim, of abuse, get help fast and speak up, don't wait until it's too late. Remember you can't change one who refuses to see any good in you. I wish you all the best of good things in life.
P.S. I intend Going Places like travel the world because travel is the best kind of education, even if it means starting from my own neighborhood!
It’s tedious sometimes to comment or write a long comment and it gets treated as thrash or spam, therefore, to avoid having your comments deleted, I ask that you avoid adding links that lead to porn or sex toy sites as my site if fit for 13 yrs. Who know a 13 yrs old or neighbors daughter might pops in to read my blog, regardless I would like to keep it clean . Finally, if you a story please drop me a mail or comment and share your experience if you could.
Dear reader I will be super grateful if you could leave a comment below.
If you are a pro blogger your comment/site review will be most appreciated.
Also share your blogs links too.
For those planning a trip, I wish you a safe trip!!
I remain yours truly
Thank you for reading.
Iv. Sylva
My9 Inc
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